Night-time companions

My roommate tonight is a little lady from Japan. She looks to be about 45 but told me she's 60! She's traveling alone and so far has visited 73 countries. I'm totally amazed. She's such a funny little woman. She mutters to herself, her English is just barely understandable. One must have a very forgiving and sympathetic ear to understand her. She travels with a 20 lb rolling cart and a 7 lb day pack. She got ready for bed, slipped on a hairnet and a face mask then set to snoring happily away. If she can do it, I can do it!

Last night I shared a room with a young French woman who I never met. I spent the night in Irine's Guesthouse in Tbilisi. It was a funky place, a bit cluttered but clean, with flags from all over the world hanging from a rod on one wall. I unfortunately had to retire to my room very early as Irine smokes like a haystack as does her friend who was staying there. Irine is quite heavy, mostly just sits in her chair and smokes while her sister cleans.

Street scene in Tbilisi

The night before I slept on an old Russian train from Yerevan to Georgia. My compartment mate was a Georgian, Surob, who was returning home from a 6 week workshop in India. He was very sweet and gave me a wonderful introduction to Georgia. When we arrived in Tbilisi he had his wife drop me off at Irine's. I would never have found the place otherwise.

Train station in Yerevan

Border Crossings and Visas Aaaaargh . . .

I'm back in Yerevan after a quick jaunt to Georgia. I left on the train Sunday night at 8:30p. It's an old Russian train, well put together and I'm sure it was quite elegant in its time. It's an electric train so it was quiet, though slow - we were probably traveling about 25 mph. It took 14 hours, with a 2-hour border stop. I enjoyed my stay in Tbilisi, but unfortunately I didn't get my personal passport stamped as I had hoped. Border police are difficult to deal with, especially when you don't speak their language and they don't speak yours. I was sent to several different windows, several consultations were held about my two passports and finally my passports were passed to another window and I was told to go there, that everything would be taken care of. So the border guard stamped my passport - and I could swear he stamped my personal passport - said no problem, I said thank you very much and walked away. The microbus had been waiting for me so I jumped in and we took off. That's when I checked my passport, only to find out that they had stamped my Peace Corps passport, not my personal passport. It's all complicated, these border crossings. Suffice it to say that I'm still in a fix. I can't travel in or out of Armenia until I have a visa to stay after I terminate with PC. So back to PC to see what went wrong. I also have an American friend here in Yerevan who speaks both Armenian and English and she has offered to take me to immigration in a day or two to see if we can figure it out. I may end up going to Tbilisi again tomorrow night to try once again.

A Final Walk Around Vardenis

A young boy approached me in a back street two days ago asking for money. I had my day pack on and was carrying my purse loosely in my right hand. I had been to the bank and in it was everything. Everything: all my money, my credit card, my debit card, both my passports. I have no idea what he was saying to me, but it very possibly could have been, “Be careful how you carry your valuables, no matter how safe you feel.” And with that he reached out and grabbed my purse. Fortunately it was lightly wrapped around my wrist and there was resistance to his tug. Also, he was young, perhaps 12-14, inexperienced and probably a little nervous about his attempted theft. A few other words were exchanged between us and he ran off. What a lesson for me! I shouldn't be so careless. I was robbed once in Guatemala and it's not a fun experience. Puts a dent in the day that's for sure.

So I came home afterward and worked on a more secure way to carry my money and cards. I stitched a pocket in my bra and pinned a sock which had lost its mate inside my jeans. I also have a travel pouch which is meant to wear around my neck but I usually put it around my waist and tuck both the strap and the pouch under my pants and shirt. The only money I keep in my purse is small amounts for immediate spending – food, taxi, souvenirs, etc.

When my landlady overcharged me for my utilities the 2nd month in a row it was really the final straw for me.  I have such a hard time with that. The headaches were bad at that time but became worse afterwards. I decided first to just leave the apartment where I'm living but the stress of trying to find a new place was too much. I knew I didn't have the energy for it, the headaches and ringing ear problem was getting worse, and I just decided to cut to the chase.

Had that not happened I probably would have stayed on. I really don't want my entire experience to be colored by that event though it definitely determined my decision. But just like the purse-snatching incident it was probably meant to be. I was having a difficult time finding happiness here. It had become such hard work and such stress.

But, then there are the children. If only I could overlook all the other stresses and just focus on the kids. Though I felt ineffective and inadequate in Vardenis, my experience in Sodk was very different. Unfortunately, I was paying my own taxi fare there and back ($5) and art materials, perhaps easily another $3 each week. That doesn't sound like much but it starts putting a dent in my Peace Corps allowance and I was only going one day a week. And I didn't really have the energy to go twice a week. 25 kiddoes all vying for my attention and speaking jibberish was great fun and also very tiring.

Well, I hope I left a good mark and not too much disappointment. I know the children of Sodk were wild about me and our time together. I brought them color from the outside world. When I would approach the barren-looking school the doors would burst open and out would flood the children in my club, all trying to hold my hand as we walked to the school. Each week I would cover a different topic: Mother's Day, Spring, color words. After 15 minutes of something like a language lesson I would pull out the art supplies - crayons, markers, glue, pictures to color and blank paper - and off we would go. Like one of those TV commercials suddenly the room would begin to fill with colorful flowers, houses painted red, purple and pink, multi-colored birds, green trees, bright yellow suns. "Look, Ms Lora, Look!" "Oh, that's beautiful, beautiful," I would tell them. I miss them . . . .

Nevertheless, I'm on the road again, for better or for worse. I read Walt Whitman's “The Open Road” this morning and felt revitalized and “okay.” What I love to do is travel, wander, sample, taste, meet, float by, observe, contemplate, not go too deeply. A dilettante as Steven would say.

Monday

Another one of those damned buzzing headaches last night, all night. Better this morning. Only 6 days left here. I can do this. If I haven't gotten brain damage yet I doubt that the next 6 days will add to the possibility.

Today will be the last day of my English club in Sodk. I'll take a world map and we'll talk a bit about where the US is and maybe even the difference between North America, Central America and South America. It's one of my pet peeves that the US has become synonymous with America.

Saturday will be the last Project Design workshop. I'm so pleased with the way it has gone. Everyone is so enthusiastic, with many ideas flowing. I feel badly for going off and leaving them. I do so hope the other volunteer can find a way to support this project before he leaves, either by investing some of the money he has from the US benefactor or by writing one of the PC grants available.

I'm basically packed. Now down to the details. Will everything that I have set aside to carry with me fit into my backpack? Will I be able to ship what I've set aside for a reasonable amount?

I'm so excited, looking forward to my trip through Georgia - a place I hadn't really even considered. Now I've learned that western Georgia is the site of the famous tale about Jason and the Argonauts and the Golden Fleece. I'll pass through Stalin's birthplace, though I can't say I'm thrilled to even be in the vicinity of his childhood.

But today is today. I've become a short-termer and find myself looking forward, find it difficult to focus on finishing my tasks here. But focus I must and finish I must. And so I will.

The School Where I Teach

The Plans of a Tumbleweed

We've really had a mild winter here, for which I am eternally thankful. Life here is hard enough without having to deal with the severe winter they often have. It really is amazing to think that the majority of people in the world live in very sub-standard situations where their basic needs are just barely met. And often even that is missing. While Armenia carries forward a legacy of "less than beautiful" architecture from the Soviets, still life was good here until about 20 years ago when the Soviet Union collapsed. It's humbling and scary to see how quickly a nation can deteriorate. I have been so blessed by my birthplace. May I never forget.

My work here is good. I love the kids! Give me a box of crayons, some paper and a roomful of impoverished kids and I'm a hero. I love to bring color into their lives. I'm supposed to be doing an English club (okay, we'll call it that - I speak English) but mostly we play with bright colors. I incorporate color wherever I can. Last week we made cards for our mothers for Women's Day. I had a little poem in English about how I love you Mom blah blah blah which they copied down then I had coloring pictures of flowers, birds, outdoor scenes that I had downloaded from the internet. I passed out bright colored markers and for an hour we were all engrossed in making the world a bright and beautiful place. I'll miss giving them that. Their lives are so drab. Our souls need color. I want to buy gallons of bright paint and run through town, splashing it on everything I see!

I'm having health problems that just won't quit so I've decided to leave Peace Corps. I get headaches and ringing in my ears that only happens here in Vardenis. I can't figure it out and neither can anyone else. A lot of people here (in Vardenis) say they have headaches and blame it on the altitude (6,500ft). Who can say? But my headaches and ringing ears are so severe that I really can't stand it anymore, even if I wanted to try to persist. So I'll leave Vardenis in a couple of weeks but will stay in Armenia until mid-April. Then I'll travel to Turkey and will meet friends from the US for 2-3 weeks. OmG what an incredible place Turkey is. Google images of Cappadocia, Pamukkale, Istanbul. Just incredibly beautiful and the history equally magnificent. All the places we read about in school as children! When my friends leave I'll travel around Turkey by myself until maybe early June. Then I'll travel to Turkey and will meet friends from the US for 2-3 weeks. What an incredible place Turkey is. Just incredibly beautiful and the history equally magnificent. All the places we read about in school as children! When my friends leave I'll travel around Turkey by myself until maybe early June. Then I'll either fly ($260 cheap!) or travel by land to Switzerland, where I have a friend and will have free lodging there for a couple weeks. (I'm such a bum) I will go by land if it's not too expensive. I'd like to take the train and bus up through Bulgaria, Romania, Hungary, Austria. I'll figure that out when it's time to figure it out. Then . . . . . . I have another friend who lives in Finland so Ruth and I will fly there (again cheap $300), visit with Sirkka for a week then will go over to St Petersburg, Russia for 2 weeks. There again (in St Pete) I will be able to do a homestay with relatives of my host family here in Armenia. My goal is to keep all my travel expenses under $1500/month, excluding my airfare home, and I think I can do it. Otherwise, you'll see my smiling face on your doorstep much sooner than mid-July. :o)

Of course I have no home to return to in Colorado so I may just keep on rolling. Many places in the US I haven't seen yet, many friends spread far and wide who I haven't seen in a long time and may visit. Who can say which direction a tumbleweed will roll next?

A Marshutney Ride

Riding the "around town" marshutney in Yerevan reminds me of the movie "Being John Malkovich." The marshutney is a van with 11-12 seats, including the driver's. But there are usually more than 20 people and their shopping bags stuffed in. The 10-12 who are standing must bend over. So we all stand there, staring at our feet, trying to get a glimpse out the window to see where we are at the moment and hanging on to whatever small thing we can find: a window edge, the back of a seat, another person's sleeve. Anything to keep us from falling into each other as we zoom around the corners.

Difficult Days

Ah, the Russian influence. I'm suffering from it here. Such darkness, fear of light. Everyone wears black clothes, covers their windows, interiors all in dark wood, dark fabrics.

Last week I did my English Club (3rd-6th grades). It was "Women's Day" so we made cards for our mothers. I had a little poem in English that they copied, then I had a stack of pictures they could color, some bright card stock to paste them to, and some bright markers. Oh, my. They colored and colored and were so full of joy and light. Their lives are so drab and dark and they are just small children. The school is pure ugliness, no beauty anywhere, no bright posters on the walls. The kids shone for that hour like little stars. Their eyes were so bright and they held up their pictures, "Look, Ms Lora! Look, look!" We had vases of brightly colored flowers, roses, parrots, outdoor scenes. It felt like the world was alive, like one of those Coca cola ads that begins in black and white and sprouts curls of color everywhere. Even the dear 21-year-old teacher asked if she could have a picture to color and when she hadn't finished by the end of class she asked if she could take 3 markers home with her.

Then class ended and we stepped out the door. All of a sudden my soul was again flooded with the ugly, colorless world outside. I felt assaulted and I realized that they do too. I wished I could go to the store and buy buckets of bright paint and run through the town splashing it on everything in sight.

So that's my story. I know I bring joy here. I bring color and aliveness. And I'm leaving. I know I'll leave an empty spot with them and an empty spot in myself. A task unfinished.

I Ching

Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Question: What will happen if I leave Armenia at the end of this year?
www.ichingonline.net

Cast Hexagram:
64 - Sixty-Four
Wei Chi / The End In Sight

Fire ascends above the Water:
The Superior Person examines the nature of things and keeps each in its proper place.

Too anxious the young fox gets his tail wet, just as he completes his crossing.
To attain success, be like the man and not like the fox.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:

Resist the rush to completion.
Anticipation of fulfillment may callous you before you have fully absorbed the lessons of the journey.
The endpoint of this Quest will only prove to be the threshold for another.
You are short steps from Mastery on this plane, yet you stride toward Ignorance of the challenges lying beyond.
Savor this accomplishment.
Fully Become.
Take full possession of your world before embarking to discover the next one.
That voyage begins soon enough, and you will reminisce about this one.
These are the Good Old Days.

Full Text from Wilhelm
Hexagram Wei Chi – Before Completion
Above: Li / The Clinging, Flame
Below: K'an / The Abysmal, Water
This hexagram indicates a time when the transition from disorder to order is not yet completed. The change is indeed prepared for, since all the lines in the upper trigrams are in relation to those in the lower. However, they are not yet in their places. While the preceding hexagram offers an anlaogy to autumn, which forms the transition from summer to winter, tis hexagram presents a parallel to spring, which leads out of winter's stagnation into the fruitful time of summer. With this hopeful outlook the Yi Jing comes to its close.

THE JUDGEMENT

BEFORE COMPLETION. Success.
But if the little fox, after nearly completing the crossing,
Gets his tail in the water,
There is nothing that would further.
The conditions are difficult. The task is great and full of responsibility. It is nothing less than that of leading the world out of confusion back to order. But it is a task that promises success, because there is a goal that can unite the forces now tending in different directions. At first, however one must move warily, like an old fox walking over ice. The caution of a fox walking over ice is proverbial in China. His ears are constantly alert to the cracking of the ice, as he carefully and circumspectly searches out the safest spots. A young fox who as yet has not acquired this caution goes ahead boldly, and it may happen that he falls in and gets his tail wet when he is almost across the water. The of course his effort has been all in vain. Accordingly, in times “before completion,” deliberation and caution are the prerequisites of success.
THE IMAGE
Fire over water:
The image of the condition before transition
Thus the superior person is careful
In the differentiation of things,
So that each finds its place.
When fire, which by nature flames upward, is above, and water, which flows downward, is below, their effects take opposite directions and remain unrelated. If we wish to achieve an effect, we must first investigate the nature of the forces in question and ascertain their proper place. If we can bring these forces to bear in the right place, they will have the desired effect and completion will be achieved. But in order to handle external forces properly, we must above all arrive at the correct standpoint ourselves, for only from tis standpoint can we work correctly.

Complex

I must find a way to deal with this dental situation. I must tell the Peace Corps doctor that I have serious concerns about some of the techniques this dentist follows. I simply cannot allow him to dive into my mouth and do thousands of dollars worth of work just because the coffers are open to any and all comers.

I'm about to have a freaking nervous breakdown all over the next person that crosses my path. Then of course Divine Providence hands me a marshutney mate like the one I had last night. He offered to trade seats with me on the long ride from Yerevan to Vardenis, giving me his "good" seat and taking instead the rickety stool I was sitting on in the aisle. He was clearly having a difficult time emotionally as we proceeded along our route. We had a little conversation - as much as we could with my halting Armenian and his halting English - but as we passed through one minor Hell to another he lifted his head from where it was resting on the back of the seat in front of him and said, "Armenia no good. America good, yes? Armenia no good." Good people stuck in a nightmare that they can't escape. Some of them go mad.

The Die is Cast

People are made stronger on realization that the helping hand they need is at the end of their own arm. ~ Sidney J. Phillips

Life must be an adventure for me, even if it's only in my mind. I've been listening to motivational tapes by Carolyn Myss and Eckart Tolle the past week. They pump me up, make me feel okay. I DON'T have to stay here and be miserable, trying desperately to find happiness. It's really is okay for me to go. I'm okay. :o) I just wish I could write about all these adventures I'm having in a positive way. Oh, yeah, I'm reading The Crossing Place again, about a man's journey to find the Armenian history. He traveled all over the region and had some miserable times and he writes about those too. He doesn't stay stuck or wallow in them, but when he's having bad days he writes about them. Another book by Colin Thubron about crossing Russia solo back in the 1980s. He traveled all the way down to Armenia then back north again. He, too, got more than fed up at times with the crazy thinking. So I'll try to write. This 9 month sojourn in Armenia has been all about me, let's face it. It's MY journey, MY spiritual journey. It's not really about saving the starving children of Armenia from their parents and teachers. That was just my cover. I had to have an altruistic cover to make myself authentic. I didn't have the courage to just jump into the Central Asian waters all by myself. Now I've been here I see that I can travel here as easily as I traveled throughout CA. I am so liberated. :o)

I'm now studying the map, preparing to travel through Georgia and over to Azerbijan. Then back to Turkey for several weeks. May take a jaunt down into Syria and Iran. I met someone from Iran this past weekend and he invited me to come visit, he will show me that his country is a wonderful place, not as we see on the news all the time. I'll be with another friend until near the end of April. When she leaves I'll turn north, travel through Bulgaria, Romania, Moldova, Ukraine, Russia. I'll meet my Swiss friend Ruth somewhere sometime around the first of July and she and I hope to travel in Russia and perhaps up to Finland, where I have another friend - another old friend of Steven's. I am feeling so good as I make these plans. Yes, yes, yes!!! :o)

March 5 ~
I had a dream last night. I dreamed I was in a place where, in order to reach my home, I had to pass through an underground tunnel-way. It was very crowded in there, there were pathway tunnels which broke away from the main branch to various private residences. Furniture and junk was stacked everywhere, making it difficult to move and find the correct way. It was dark and dirty and very frustrating. I kept losing my way and having to backtrack. Hey, Freud, even I can analyze this and it has nothing to do with sex.

Saying good-bye to people here is difficult. I've only told two volunteers so far. I must tell the Armenians I work with and tell them why. The people at the Y will be disappointed. I must tell the teacher who arranges my English club and I must tell my English club. The children had no expectation that I would stay forever, though they had hope. I'll make my last class a geography lesson, with pictures of my family too. The English club with the young kids is what I enjoy the most. But one hour a week can't sustain and overcome the other hundreds. Even if I expand to 4-5 hours a week. Not enough. I'm immensely unhappy in the moment. One might say depressed. Will it pass when I leave here?
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I suppose if the truth were known most of us are here under cover. Peace Corps is like the circus used to be - a chance to run away from home and all that is ordinary and to somehow re-invent ourselves. And of course it's never possible to be motivated by only one motive. We all of us want to make a difference in the world too, to ease the suffering. For some reason it seems, sitting in the warmth of our American homes, that it will be easier and more rewarding to travel across the sea.

I never wanted to come to Armenia in the first place. I didn't even know it existed. I wanted to go to Central America. I still do, and I will. But being here has been a fascinating experience for me too, one that will take me years to digest. I do understand that they are caught in the net of their culture. Interestingly, I find that my reasons to leave are more complicated than my reasons for coming. That in itself is interesting to contemplate. It's not going to be easy to tell the Armenians I'm leaving. I must prepare myself for that, find the words to put the decision all back on myself - the health issues, missing my family. But they'll know the truth too. That I'm unhappy. They'd leave themselves if they had a chance. There is so little future here. Most people just give up, sink into the drudgery of their everyday existence. The young men who came to our college for Peace Corps day - the "bad boys". Underneath their bravado I know that what they really wanted was just for a moment to be able to rub elbows with the Americans, to be temporarily diverted from the depression of standing on the street daily. They had a flicker of hope that they'd be noticed, that they'd find the magic escape formula too. But there were no answers for them, so they wandered back outside to ogle the young women and decide which one they would marry.

Maybe I lack the necessary self-confidence to complete a task as daunting as this. Maybe that's what it takes. I can't see that I make a difference or ever will, and I can't see that my suffering is worth it. Neither do I think that it's a good thing for me to be so unhappy. Even though I don't show this face to most people, it must seep out on some level. And it most certainly expresses itself when I get into stressful situations that I can't handle, such as this whole affair with my landlady. I'm not good at conflict. I wilt and turn it in on myself. And with the cultural and languages difficulties it just stays there. I can't release it.
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Then there's my health . . . . . severe headaches, ringing ears accompanied by ear aches just in front of my ears, depression, excessive tiredness, burning eyes. I think the broken blood vessel in the back of my eye was related to this. (The doctor said it was caused by pressure - but what was causing the pressure?) I was having severe headaches at the time and ultimately discovered that the house I was living in was only a few hundred feet away from a cell tower. All of this is very bizarre and it comes as a package deal. I think all of these are related to the cell tower (first) and to the bad electricity in general, EMS or Electro-Magnetic Sensitivity, but I have no way to prove it of course. The symptoms come and go. Sometimes I may not be bothered for a week or more, then it hits again. I am never bothered when I'm away from Vardenis. If it happens in the evening or when the weather is bad there's nothing I can do but curl up and endure. It usually goes away during the night and I wake up relieved. Which is another reason I think it's associated with the electricity. There's no draw on electricity at night.
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I've begun sorting through my things. I'm headed to Yerevan today so I'll take some of my stuff today - things I want to give away. I came with 3 pieces of luggage - two backpacks and a roller. I picked up another roller load of stuff while in the US in December. Most of that was teaching materials and art supplies which I'll give away. The main items I want to keep and send back are my computer and etc, portable radio, my sleeping bag, some winter clothes. I may be able to ship some of that from here or Turkey, though of course I can't ship my computer.

Early morning. Thinking time. I don't make this decision lightly. Leaving is not easy, but staying is more difficult. And difficult in a way that's not positive for myself or anyone. It will do no good to prove to myself that I can be totally miserable for two years, or that I can endure such health issues as I'm experiencing. My daily walks are surrounded by scenes such as these and my psyche just can't take it. I'm weak

But enough of early morning confessions.